you will no longer be the death of me...

to the first:

you were the one that started it all.  the one that made me feel so happy and so numb at the same time.  you taught me that i couldnt trust people because in the end, everything was nothing but lies

to the one that got away:

i spent so much time waiting, wishing, day dreaming, not sleeping, nerve wracked, angry, depressed, anxious, sad, and happy for so many years... while i watched you take my heart in chip pieces away from it... and out of all of that, i miss your friendship the most

to maker:

you made me how i am today...

you left me cynical, you left me numb, you left me damaged, you left me hating myself, you made me this emotionally disconnected person...

i loved you, i did, but i dont miss you.  i dont miss talking to you.  you're actions proved to me that im doing alright

to the lady from the past:

what happened was unfortunate to say the least...  and i can admit that i am the bad guy in our story.  i was scared, terrified actually.  i didnt stand by your side when you needed me, as a lover or as a friend.  i didnt know how to cope... i still dont... and for that i am truly sorry.

this is baggage that has been holding me back now for years, and tonight, im letting you go

 

Want!

a dog
a new bed
ramona flowers
the ability to sleep
a clear mind
"chi" in my arms
out of this city
a chrome messenger bag
a week of zero wind
sex
two finished sleeves, my leg pieces, feet, chest, back, and ribs
sleep

year 22

another year, come and gone
another year that has moved by me way too fast
another year that had way too much that happened
another year that not enough happened

3/4 of a year away from home
3/4 of a year spending as much time with my folks
3/4 of a year of soul searching
3/4 of a year fairly lonely
3/4 of a year making new friends

2 months of hell
2 months of crown
2 months of searching
2 months of depression

witnessed some of the most epic parties
witnessed some of the greatest nights of my life
witnessed one the strangest events of my entire life... so far

this year was nothing like the last
started off strong and i will end it strong
im healthier now
im on a path

i may not have much but i will work with what i got

i have fallen in love with music all over again.
i get lost in it, i dream of it, i long for it
my passion is on my left arm for the world to see

dreaming of someone to share this with but that day will come

dreaming of exploration and that day will come

merry christmas to all that read this
and happy new years to everyone
may we all start over


i know 11 will be a good one
vegas, camping trips, recording, standing behind one of friends at his wedding (looking forward to the tux fitting) traveling, maybe moving to colorado

and lots and lots of music

cheers

i feel like im missing the big picture here...

road trip road trip road trip road trip Road trip rOad trip road trip

getting lost getting lost getting lost getting lost getting lost getting lost

looking up looking up looking up looking up looking up looking up

something new something new something new something new

tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo tattoo

perfection perfection perfection perfection perfection perfection

mental masturbation mental masturbation mental masturbation

over stimulation over stimulation over stimulation over stimulation

 sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex

pain pain pain

numb numb numb numb numb

insecure insecure insecure insecure insecure insecure

shallow? shallow? shallow? shallow? shallow? shallow?

menthol menthol menthol menthol menthol

alcohol alcohol alcohol

music music music music music

cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold cold

blah 

the fight club generation

I see in Fight Club the strongest and smartest men who have ever lived. I see all this potential; and I see it squandered. God dammit, an entire generation pumping gas and waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don’t need. We are the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We’ve all been raised by television to believe that we’d be millionaires and movie gods and rock stars – but we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed-off.

the older i get, the more i feel the need to disconnect myself from "faith".  about three years ago, i denounced my participation of all forms of organized religion.  now with that, it doesnt mean i dont believe in a "higher being" but what i believe in may or may not be what most consider god.

note to reader: im drunk